I am supportive of this movement, and I stand in solidarity with fellow sexual assault sufferers*.
But I chose not to go public at the time with posting #MeToo on social media. I regret that now. I wish that I'd at least put a Facebook post with a custom selected audience, omitting my family.
I also feel that it'd be too late, now, to be meaningful. So it's possible I'll never go public (or at least, no more public than this blog post, anyways).
So, why didn't I?
At the time, I told myself that it was to protect my family from the fact of my sexual assault(s). I'd never told them when it occurred, you see. As a family of highly sensitive people, they'd find the knowledge incredibly distressing. They'd likely blame themselves somewhat, too. So, I kept it to myself and found my own way(s) of dealing with it.
In many ways, it was also -somehow- easier for me that my family didn't know. It meant I didn't have to deal with their reactions to what I'd gone through. Is that weird? I don't know.
The context of my sexual assault was one of an abusive relationship, you see, and I was still stuck in that situation at the time. My lizard-brain knew I needed to focus my energies on surviving, and didn't have any to spare for worrying about others.
You might argue that perhaps my family could've helped me jettison that relationship, sooner, had I shared my suffering with them. But domestic abuse is really, really complicated, so at the time I wasn't seeing it that way. And I feel no shame for that.
Now, looking back, I'm not sure whether there's an element of shame still wrapped up in why I didn't #MeToo, though.
Shame, as I'm sure most people are aware, is a common reaction of sexual assault sufferers.
Maybe I didn't want others to know I was a past sufferer because -subconsciously- I didn't want them to see me the way I'd seen myself for so long? As something shameful. Again, I don't really know the answer to that. But, it just seemed preferable to me to preserve my pre-assault identity in the eyes of others.
I'm not a psychologist. So I don't really know all the reasons. If I someday gain any more insight in the future I'll do a further blog post. I'm in a good place, though, so it's possible it won't even occur to me. (I hope that helps someone, someday, to see that it's possible to be in a good place post-sexual assault.)
I am proud of all the other sexual assault sufferers who did post #MeToo. I felt that the movement itself had enough momentum without my voice added to it.
But if the point of #MeToo was to publicise the numbers of sufferers, and I stayed quiet? How many other people did the same? Do we still not fully know the scale of the thing? That seems likely.
I don't have the answers how to tackle that, societally. Sometimes I feel as though we're becoming increasingly woke -- the teens seem to be getting there, whenever I hear groups of them talking amongst themselves. Then, other times, I remember Trump, and the damage he (et al) did, and how he (et al) normalised bigotry. Such a lot of good was undone in such a short time.
A small, small ray of light to end on: I feel much more comfortable challenging inappropriate jokes and comments, these days. That's something. That's a start.
*I prefer the phrase 'sufferer', and in specific 'past sufferer'. 'Victim' is often seen as an undesirable phrase, for reasons which I feel are likely fairly common knowledge. But for me, 'survivor' also carries with it connotations that that's all you are in the aftermath of sexual assault. A survivor of it, nothing more. It becomes a defining feature, and I resent that. Yes, 'survivor' is more positive than 'victim' in many ways. But -for me- 'sufferer' is preferable. It reflects that sexual assault is something I went through, a bit like an illness, and it doesn't define me. I suffered it, a bit like a broken limb which has since healed. 'Sufferer' also reflects that whilst I'm still here -surviving and mostly thriving- there are still residual impacts. Like a broken limb which, though healed, still aches when it rains. I'm a past sexual assault sufferer. But I also respect peoples' right to use the terminology which feels right to them.
~ Mental Health Foundation
~ Mind
~ Rape Crisis
~ Rape and Sexual Abuse Counselling Centre
~ Samaritans
~ 24 7 Sexual Abuse Support
(Note that these are UK based resources, but I'm certain that similar sites likely exist in most countries. Please do a web search if you're in need of support and you're not in the UK.)
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