I've always had anxiety, since I was quite a small child. The first and most striking incident with this occurred when I moved up from primary to secondary school, and it became an expectation that I'd do homework every day.
It felt utterly overwhelming, how was I going to cope with this? I cried hysterically and wound myself up into a panic attack that first evening.
My parents didn't know how to deal with me and sympathised a bit but then ultimately told me to pull myself together.
After that I 'dealt with it' by sticking my head in the proverbial sand, and pretending homework was only happening to other people.
I'd put in the bare minimum of effort when I absolutely had to, when there was simply no chance of getting away with an "I forgot" type of excuse.
I'd cobble together essays in the morning break to hand in at afternoon classes. My one and only detention was for failure to hand in homework.
I'd continue this pattern into early adulthood, going off to university and failing to pay my rent or bills until the landlord was standing right in front of me making their demands, or the mail order catalogue company were threatening to take me to court, or whatever.
I'd leave my assignments until the last minute and then pull all-nighters to get them handed in by the deadlines. Not good coping strategies, but I guess they'd become habitual.
Bookend my formal education with another panic attack which sticks in the mind. It was just prior to sitting an exam, and one of the exam invigilators very kindly told me to suck it up because I was upsetting everyone else in the exam room.
After I graduated university, the anxiety threatened to become worse. Facing interviews for jobs I didn't really want (but since my degree didn't really qualify me for anything in particular I needed to find something), I became more insecure still.
It reached a point where I didn't even have the confidence to walk into a corner store and make a purchase.
I was doing voluntary work and one of the aforementioned jobs tried to call to offer me the paid position, but I pretended to have passed out in a bathroom because I was so terrified of taking the phone call.
I was referred to the department of psychiatry and attended approximately two sessions -whether with a psychologist or what I can't recall- of CBT. I couldn't get along with that form of therapy (see below re alexithymia) and instead it made me feel yet more anxious and unworthy still, so I stopped going.
I've also always suffered with paranoia. Not large scale the-government's-out-to-get-me paranoia, but small scale those-people-over-there-are-definitely-talking-about-me paranoia.
As a small child I can recall my mother repeatedly reassuring me that I did indeed have friends (numerous of them) and they did indeed really like me, else why would they play with me on a daily basis otherwise?
To this day, when I'm suffering with my mental health I'll find myself thinking that my boss doesn't like me and must surely be trying to find a way to give me the elbow.
I've a doctor diagnosed health phobia (I still suspect that somewhere in my notes the word hypochondriac is written, but what can you do?).
I'm doing better with this latterly, but having had a couple of relatives pass away from cancer in my teens, I tend to panic whenever there's a symptom -for either myself, a loved one or a pet- which could be an indicator of some kind of cancer, such as a lump.
I even went to A&E once when a dramatic sunburn caused one of my lymph nodes in my neck to swell up.
I suspect I've mild personality disorder of some sort, although I've never pin-pointed exactly which one I think it might be. (It's not narcisistic personality disorder or socio/psychopathy, of that I'm sure). Emotional dysregulation, at the very least. It manifests in my being extremely reactive and being largely unable to keep my emotions on an even keel when something happens in my life. For example, arguments can quickly blow out of proportion.
And then I settled down with a partner who has chronic depression, developed a chronic physical health condition which leaves me fatigued all the time and experienced long-term stress at work through bullying by a superior. Enter, depression.
I've days when I can't motivate myself to get off the sofa and do anything. Anything at all.
I'm more fortunate than some, because I tend not to suffer with distressing thoughts such as 'I'm not good enough' (although I've definitely had 'no-one likes me' at times in the past - see above re paranoia).
And my depressive episodes tend to last just a day or so (sometimes only a partial day) rather than a span of days or even weeks.
But living with someone with chronic depression, as I do, I'm acutely aware of the impact it can have on a person, and on those around them.
Oh, wait -- is insomnia a physical health condition or a mental health one? Well, either way I have that too. I suspect it could be caused by something physical, often, such as hormones. But it can impact all the other matters mentioned above and it's no fun whatsoever.
It seems to be a bit treatment-resistant too in my case, as I swear I've tried almost everything (even a soporific medication at one stage, which didn't work, had unpleasant side effects and can only be taken short term due to being habit forming).
I also suspect I've undiagnosed dyspraxia, which is neurodevelopmental.
And finally, I think I've a degree of alexithymia. Which isn't necessarily a mental health condition either, but -being defined (by Google*) as: the inability to recognize or describe one's own emotions- I should think you can imagine how it might compound a lot of the above mentioned issues.
*Because I'm lazy.
My next post, in about a week or so (promise!), will contain a bunch more resources for mental health so keep a look out for that.
Meantime, I've included a short list of website resources at the end, here.
Take care of yourselves, everyone.
Resources
Websites (UK)
- CALM (Campaign Against Living Miserably)
- NHS.uk
- Mental Health Foundation
- Mind
- We are Rethink Mental Illness
- Samaritans
Cookies/data
European Union laws require that EU visitors be given information about cookies used and data collected on this blog. Google/Blogger have added a notice on this blog to explain Google's use of certain Blogger and Google cookies, including use of Google Analytics and AdSense cookies, and other data collected by Google. If this notice does not display and you are in the EU, please will you notify me in the comments section. Many thanks.
