Resources for bereavement/grief & loss

    A number of my past posts have contained lists of online resources, but this one is going to consist entirely of a list.  Because I've been researching this lately, and I didn't find it the easiest thing to do.  So if it helps just one person out there, I'll be pleased.

(Note: these resources are UK ones, but websites, at least, should hopefully be available from outside the UK.)

• AIM Mental Health Bereavement and Loss
• AtaLoss.org: UK wide bereavement signposting and information website
• Cruse Bereavement Support
• Bereavement and traumatic events - Every Mind Matters
• https://www.thegoodgrieftrust.org/
• Grief Chat dedication page Remember someone special
• Griefity app, on Android
• How to cope with grief | Hospice UK and Support with a bereavement | Hospice UK
• Hub of Hope | Mental Health Support Network provided by Chasing the Stigma
• https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/bereavement/
• MuchLoved | Free online grief chat service
• NABS
• Get help with grief after bereavement or loss - NHS
• 7 Cups Grief forum Grief & Loss Community Forum | Online Grief & Loss Groups | 7 Cups (note: avoid paying any of the "therapists" available on the site as they may not be who they claim to be, and do not bother trying to engage with the volunteer 'listeners' available on the site, either.  However, the forum and the sharing circle events can be helpful.)
• YouTube -- search the channel
  www.youtube.com/@TherapyinaNutshell for the keyword: grief, or bereavement

Cancer specific resources:

• Sue Ryder | Grief support services
• https://thelossfoundation.org/

General resources:

• Betwixt app, on Android
• Living Life to the Full | Self Help Resources
• NHS 111 - for urgent mental health support that isn’t a life-threatening emergency, call 111 (in England) and select the option to speak with a Psychological Wellbeing Practitioner (PWP). Visit the NHS 111 website for support and more information.
• Mental Health Foundation | Loneliness
• Free downloadable Mindfulness Journal: 5-Minute-Mindfulness-Journal.pdf
• Mind - Side by Side forum
• https://www.redcross.org.uk/get-help/get-help-with-loneliness/wellbeing-support
• In the United States: https://www.crisistextline.org

See also the collated general mental health resources already published in previous blog posts: https://portraitofperpetualperplexity.blogspot.com/2026/02/weathering-storm.html (there may very likely be duplication with the above).

    I don't know if it's possible to bookmark a blog post, so I've also published the above list as a Blogger page and linked it here.

🕯 Rest in peace Dad  🕯

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An emotion processing post -- please let the rumination stop, now

This is one of those posts I don't expect anyone to read, and I won't be publicising it.  Because it's genuinely just a rant, in an effort to get the thoughts out of my head that I haven't been able to stop ruminating about for days and days.  [Content warning: if anyone does actually read this, there's foul language and highly negative attitudes ahead.]

I cut off contact with my sibling and their partner a week ago as I begin writing this.  And for about an hour or so, I felt lighter in the knowledge that I didn't have to have anything more to do with them (until the next family funeral, which is imminent).  Then it occurred to me that there were logistics involved, so I couldn't leave it like that, not entirely.

And anyway, some part of my brain seems to be aware that I never got the opportunity to express my feelings to said sibling.  And that seems to be stuck up there in that brain of mine, not allowing me to move on.  I keep going over and over what I'd like to say, and will never have the opportunity to.  Even though logically I know it's pointless, and it's only harming my mental health.  (It'd actually be pointless to express the thoughts to sibling anyway [see paragraph below, if anyone's actually reading] -- but I think my brain feels as though it's been stonewalled, or something, in never having been afforded the opportunity to say my piece.)

If it were anyone else, I'd like to think that the very act of cutting contact would have communicated something.  However, sibling has demonstrated in their behaviour that they seem to believe they're the centre of the universe and the only person of any importance.  So, no doubt they've told themselves a story about why I've cut contact in which I'm the bad guy.

Things I'd've liked to have had the opportunity to express

• You've only ever been critical of everything involving me.  This covers:
  ~ work I've done (either how I've done tasks, because I'm not you and therefore did them a different way than you would've, OR the fact that I've had the audacity to go ahead and do stuff at all, because you're a control freak and think that you're the only one in the world capable of doing anything correctly);
  ~ This covers things I've not done, which in your opinion I should've;
  ~ This covers the thing that you insisted multiple times that I do, and then you made me take the blame when it turned out that it shouldn't have been done at that time (oh, and you never admitted to your mistake when that came to light, just swept it under the carpet and moved on as though no mistake had been made at all);
  ~ This covers things you believed I'd failed to do (which I did in fact do, but when this was pointed out to you, you just swept the whole thing under the rug rather than admit your mistake, again, writing things like "Your point being?" in messages);
  ~ and this covers things you decided I must've done, even though the reality is that I didn't (like when you told the hospital ward that I'd stolen money, but later when it turned out to have been a monthly Amazon Prime subscription payment which came out of the account via a direct debit, you didn't bother to update the ward as such, and they weren't going to allow me to visit due to safeguarding concerns, and only relented after I all but begged because I'd spent 2.5 hours on public transport to get there).  When your mistake was once again pointed out to you, you once again swept it under the rug.  In fact -more than that- you actually messaged back indicating that you'd been the one to figure out that it was Amazon Prime, though I'd messaged that to you hours before.  You never apologised, but instead took credit for being the one to figure out where the money went.  But then you nevertheless allowed the hospital ward to go on believing I was a thief.  That could cost me my job, ultimately.  But you quite literally don't care.  In fact I'm starting to think that's what you want to have happen.
• In the past 6 months of me busting my gut to try and share the load of power of attorney work, you only ever thanked me twice.  I distinctly remember, because I marked the occasions by having a celebratory conversation with my spouse when each of your 2 thank you messages came in.  It must've really hurt you to have had to say the words thank you, because that means paying lip-service to the notion that someone else in the world might be capable of something productive besides just you.
• Your attitude.  Life has been made infinitely harder by your refusal to discuss matters on the phone due to your supposed ill-health.  And yet you couldn't bring yourself to even try -not even just a little bit- to compose messages that weren't curt and accusatory, all of the time, even when completely unjustified.  I tolerated that for a really long time, until I couldn't any more.
• I don't think I'll EVER be able to forgive you for actively standing in the way of our relative's dying wish, even though doing so was against the law.  I refrained from reporting you, because I was aware that'd put the final nail in the coffin lid of our relationship, due to your extreme paranoia.  But the so-called relationship has been buried now anyway, because you're a piece of shit who doesn't ever consider anyone but themselves, and you've caused me to have to live eternally with the guilt of letting our dying relative down in their moment of most extreme need.
• When I tried to call you, for a change, to discuss logistics, you talked over me repeatedly and wouldn't listen.  When I became frustrated with myself over a moment of aphasia, you yelled at me repeatedly to calm down.  When I said "how about we have this conversation another time when we're both calm?", you just yelled: "No, you just need to calm down".
• Your partner posed as you multiple times in order to interfere in the medical care of our relative.  I will admit that I tried to have a stop put to it, because it worried me that they were more concerned about where the fucking dining table was going to go than about the end-of-life care that my relative was or wasn't going to receive.  But you both doubled down, and saw to it that I couldn't even phone the hospital ward to ask for an update as to how our relative had slept or whether they'd managed any meals, because the nurses said I needed to ask one of my siblings.  There is only one fucking sibling, and they had no fucking interest in enquiring about the quality of our relative's sleep or whether they'd eaten, so that left me with no way to seek updates on the days I wasn't able to visit the ward in person.
• You never shut up about your supposed ill-health. And I wouldn't mind that, if you'd at least accept the notion that other people can have ill-health too.  But it's always one-upmanship with you.  Anytime I've expressed that I share a particular symptom to a degree, you've literally said phrases like: "No, but in my case I genuinely can't see the moving vehicles/regulate my own body temperature/get out of bed..." or whatever it is.  And that sucks to have to go through that (if it's true), but it doesn't give you the right to deny the experiences of other people, who could conceivably be having similar symptoms perhaps -in some cases- to an even more severe degree than you (yes, that's a thing that is possible, but you don't accept that, do you?  Because once again you're the only person in the world who matters.).
• You don't know how conversation is meant to work, and that other people are allowed to have opinions different to your own.  I recall the one family meal during which you shouted at me because you believed the company I work for should've purchased a particular bit of software.  And when I tried to point out that I've no authority or even influence over IT or purchasing, as that's not my role, you just shouted some more.  And that is just one example of many.  Other examples include you routinely telling people how they should live their lives -- not offering advice, or even your opinion, but stating it as though it's a fact.  Because you just can't countenance the thought that your way might not be the only one, or the right one.
• Your partner has only ever treated me horribly, and played it off as 'teasing'; for decades.  It's not fucking funny any more.  Actually, it never was, but I lived with it so as not to rock the fucking boat.  But it's no wonder I've gone beyond the end of my tether now.
• About a month ago there was a conversation between me and your partner in which I expressed concern for your mental health and the exacerbating effect it was likely to have on your physical health.  Latterly, all of a sudden when it was convenient to elicit additional sympathy, they claimed that you've been having psychological help for months and had to stop it because you don't have time anymore with the power of attorney work.  How very convenient that all is.  (Yes, I believe they're lying in order to paint your situation as worse than mine, because -once again- you're the centre of the universe and no-one else matters in either of your opinions.
• Your partner used to call me up to rant at me for 45 minutes at a time about your ill-health, even after our relative was diagnosed with late stage cancer.  And they'd tell me the same things over and over and over again.  But -again- whenever I'd mention that I too suffer with ill-health they'd either ignore it completely, or insist that yours is worse.  How do they know whose is worse, they've never lived with me and seen what my daily experience is like, and there's no question of me ever being afforded the opportunity to even talk about my experience (but they wouldn't believe me even if I did try to explain, because sibling is the only person in the world entitled to be ill.)?
• When I've had to move my medical appointments -which has been extremely frequently in recent months, what with everything- your partner has indicated that they don't even believe me that I had any appointments needing moved in the first place.  I saved the evidence in the form of text messages and emails on my phone for weeks & weeks in order to show you and prove I wasn't making stuff up.  Or maybe it's not that they don't believe me, but just that they don't give a shit because it's not their appointments needing to get moved.  And it doesn't conveniently fit your narrative that you're the only ones being inconvenienced by the family circumstances.
• Your partner bitched and moaned repeatedly about having to do a 20 minute to half hour drive once or twice a week, when I've been spending 2.5 hours each way on public transport every other day for months.  (And I've kept going overdrawn in the middle of the month due to the extra expense of all the trains and buses, but no doubt neither of you gives a shit about that either.)
• Even at the hospital bedside the other day, your partner had to rub my face in their opinion that their "immune system is open to everything".  Do they think mine isn't?  I'm at the lowest point in my entire fucking life, with an insane amount of pressure to do these 5 hour journeys every other day, and a grief made worse by all this hostility -- it's my relative who's dying, but their fucking immune system is open to every fucking thing?  Once again, no-one else in the fucking world matters at all apart from the 2 of you, do they?
• You shout and swear into the faces of our elderly parents.  And then you blame them for it.  You literally said that they'd downloaded viruses onto a tablet computer on purpose, presumably -in your mind- in order to piss you off or make your life difficult or something.  Not because -in reality- they're elderly and it took them a really long time to even comprehend how a tablet works, and they can't really be expected to comprehend what viruses are and the ways in which their online activity makes vulnerable to same (especially with what's believed -by you long before me- to be the onset of dementia).  No, everything's about you, isn't it, so of course it was done deliberately for some nefarious reason, wasn't it.

All I can say is that when your partner claimed all your friends abandoned you when you became chronically ill, I don't believe it was the illness that caused them to abandon you.  I think it was likely the fact that you both treat everyone else in the world like shit and your former friends had had enough.  And I don't blame them one little bit.  I'd say that I hope you come to realise the error of your ways, but I know that's impossible because you -and especially your partner- always blame everything on everyone else.  So enjoy your isolation in one another's echo chambers, won't you.  You've truly earned it.

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The National Health Service, and some tips for navigation

    In many ways we here in England are lucky to have the NHS, as compared to health services in certain other nations.
    (When it comes to the ambulance service, though, there's a crisis of underfunding making the wait for one up to 23 hours!  And that's clearly 100% unacceptable.  So I'm excluding that service from the above statement.  If you or a loved one need to get to the Emergency Department, it's -regrettably- necessary to find another way.)

    Whilst it's true that non-chargeable in-the-moment care is generally there to save lives (once you've waited your turn in the waiting room for 7 to 15 hours!), there are some huge, huge problems.
    I decided to write up my experiences with some tips, in the hopes it might help someone else in the future.  If you just want the tips, please skip ahead to the 2nd half of this post (and good luck to you).

    A close elderly relative received a late cancer diagnosis and sadly it's progressed very quickly.  In the beginning treatment was offered for it.  But -as mentioned- the cancer had been detected too late and the patient was quickly too poorly to be able to withstand the treatment.
    The hospital delivering the oncology treatment initially was Royal Surrey County Hospital.  (Anecdotally meant to be well-respected for their oncology department.)
    For months RSCH failed to acknowledge that there were cognitive issues with their elderly patient meaning information about treatment, nutrition etc couldn't be absorbed or retained.  But they adamantly refused to share any information with family (while being incredibly unsympathetic about the anxiety we were naturally experiencing.)  I believe this directly contributed to the rapid decline of my relative's health, as they couldn't manage their treatment properly without help.
    And actually, RSCH allowed an individual who shouldn't have been driving to continue getting behind the wheel of their car for months and driving the 45 minutes to their appointments & back!

    Following a routine oncology appointment we learned our relative had been admitted as an in-patient, but not why.  The following morning I called intending to enquire how they'd been overnight, and was informed they were -just that moment- being taken into surgery!  The hospital were not going to bother to inform us.  (It was for a pace-maker, which we gather is considered a minor procedure nowadays, but still...)

    RSCH discharged this elderly person the day after the pace-maker surgery and it was an unsafe discharge.  I spent a day and a half making phone calls to try to determine what ought to be done as I couldn't provide adequate or safe care on my own.  (Eventually we had to spend 8 hours in the Emergency Department waiting room -at another hospital- for re-admission.  Once I was finally able to convince the NHS it'd been an unsafe discharge, that is.)

    A symptom of the cancer having metastasized to the bones was high calcium in the blood.  This -it turns out- causes cognitive issues.  That's right, the cancer itself was causing the cognitive issues which meant the patient couldn't successfully manage their treatment -- and still the RSCH oncology dept had refused to share information.
    When RSCH did eventually communicate with family it was only to make unrealistic demands, such as blood tests to be organised within the next 24 hours.  Due to geography and logistics, RSCH phlebotomy was out of the question for this.  That left the local GP surgery, which usually has a lead time of 3 weeks for booking blood tests in!  (Luckily, when I explained the circumstances the GP surgery were really helpful in that regard.)
    Unfortunately, RSCH hospital and the GP surgery are in different counties, so despite being the same overarching organisation I had to -ludicrously- act routinely & repeatedly as go-between to get them to share the information with one another!  (RSCH had to send me the list of bloods they wanted, which I had to pass on to the GP, then when the results were in I had to contact the GP surgery to get them to send the results to RSCH rather than the nearest hospital as they normally would.  And that's the abridged version, without the minutia...)

    The calcium issue kept reoccurring, so eventually I received a call from the GP advising that my relative needed to get to the Emergency Dept ASAP following the results of a blood test.  (The elevated calcium can also cause heart failure.)
    By this time, no-one in the family could drive or access a vehicle, so (having ruled out their taxi suggestion as being far, far too expensive for this pension-age patient!) the GP eventually offered to summon an ambulance.  They said it'd be up to 2 hours.
    It later turned out that the GP surgery didn't know what they were talking about, because 5 hours later, I called them back to find that no ambulance had been organised due to lack of availability.
    A family friend instead had to leave work early, do a significant amount of driving around and bring my relative in to the hospital (this time Royal Hampshire County Hospital).
    A further 7 hours in the Emergency Dept meant that my relative had been sat around with a heart that could've been on the verge of failing for 12 hours.  (The panic attack I had that day was a significant one.)

    This latter in-patient stay has been a lengthy one, and the calcium issue meant that my relative's mental capacity has only declined as time went on.  The Lasting Power of Attorney for health and welfare which they'd donated turned out not to be worth the paper it was printed on, though.  Because the hospital deemed it that providing the patient could say their name, date of birth and that they were in hospital, they had mental capacity.  And therefore, having capacity, they could make their own decisions & only the bare minimum of information need be shared with family.
    But worse than this, the hospital didn't seem to want to accept information from family, either.  For the longest time they kept referring to the patient by their last name because it appeared to have been written down the wrong way around on their forms.  I kept pointing this out, but no-one corrected it and they continued to call them by their last name (meaning that their patient wouldn't answer their questions, because they didn't realise it was them being addressed).
    We pointed out over and over that the patient refuses to drink the tap water, and that this was why we were bringing in supplies of bottled water.  But they kept putting the bottled water out of reach on the cupboard behind the bed, and then moaning at the patient for not drinking the jug of tap water.

    I guess those things are annoyances, though, but more critically, when the hospital agreed to do anything in relation to the patient's care or treatment, it'd take them weeks to organise it.  It's transpired that my relative actually only had months left to live, and weeks & weeks of it have been spent in unnecessary suffering because of bureaucracy and inefficiency.
    For example, while receiving treatment for the cancer, drug interactions meant that existing arthritis pain relief could no longer be continued.  But it was weeks if not months before any alternative pain relief was finally agreed (paracetamol -- I could've picked it up in the supermarket and taken it in, for goodness sake, except that's not allowed!).
    We ultimately provided the Lasting Power of Attorney document at least 5 times (3 electronically and twice in hard copy).  They kept denying that they had a copy on their records, despite it being sat in someone's email inbox (and at least one of those folk had replied to acknowledge receipt).  The hospital is still disregarding the document anyway, though, despite the patient no longer knowing what a cup is or that they need to open their lips in order to consume a spoonful of soup!  (Bless them.)
    Oh, and given that the patient can no longer consume any sustenance independently, you'd think that there'd be some sort of support offered to manage their nutritional needs?  Nope.  Food & drink are simply placed on the table where the patient can neither reach them nor manage to manipulate them and then later removed again, unconsumed.

***

Tips for 'navigating' the NHS

For yourself, or your loved ones:

• Responsiveness varies -- my GP surgery takes at least 2-3 days to even look at an e-consult, nevermind respond to it, whereas my relative's practice often responds the same day (though not always);

• Be prepared to repeat yourself, many times.  I think my 'record' was 6 (5 in the Emergency dept, and then again on the ward the following day because the information hadn't been transferred to the ward!);

• Don't believe what they tell you -- if a specialist tells you that they'll write to your primary care provider, for example, don't just assume that it'll happen in a timely fashion; they should cc the letter to you, so if you've not received it in a week or two, chase (because otherwise it could easily be four to six weeks).
  If a GP tells you it'll be up to 2 hours for an ambulance, it won't be.  If they tell you they'll call ahead to the Emergency dept to make them aware of the expected arrival of the patient, it doesn't make any difference, there's still an hours long wait in the waiting room regardless;

For loved ones, especially in in-patient care:

• Write stuff up on your phone or computer and be prepared to print off numerous copies & keep handing them in every time there's a shift change, almost; if you say it verbally to a nurse or staff member, it won't make it onto the patient's records (even if you're a close enough relative to be allowed to have discussions with the staff to begin with).  (You could try asking if there's someone who can act as an email point of contact, but this didn't work for me.)
  Consider affixing a copy of the print-out to the whiteboard above your loved one's bed.  (I've not actually tried this, so I don't know if it'd be allowed -- or if anyone would actually even look at it.)

• Make a nuisance of yourself (politely) -- refer to "Don't believe what they tell you", above.  If you're content to simply wait, then you'll be waiting a long time.  (This tip won't make any difference whatsoever in the Emergency Dept waiting room, however; not unless someone's extremely elderly and at a very high risk of a seriously detrimental outcome.)

• Only 1 next of kin can be designated which -from a relative's perspective- can make things difficult if, say, one of you works nights and isn't available to make/place calls at the relevant times.  (The NHS has their own rules about who this should be -- for example, it's the eldest child if the patient has numerous adult offspring (and there's no spouse in the picture).  Have the patient ask about the process if they think they might want to deviate from the predetermined rules, like -say- having their younger child or even a niece/nephew as NoK, for example.)

• Crucially, Lasting Power of Attorney for Health & Welfare is not a magic bullet -- what you want to do is write out an Advance Decision or Statement either instead or as well; for example, after my experience, it's my intention to prepare an Advance Statement indicating that information may be shared on request not only with each of my relevant immediate blood family but also with my chosen family, i.e. a set of specific close friends.
  From recent experience, it will probably then be necessary to make arrangements for the Advance Decision/Statement to be handed over -likely multiple times- if in an in-patient setting.
  If the document is only shared with the primary care provider it'll simply sit on their records (at best) and do absolutely nothing for you (or, at worst, it possibly won't make it onto your records at all).

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Deja Vu: another belated New Year celebration in 2026

    In a repeat of last year, I've missed Imbolc.  This year it wasn't just a case of being distracted, I've got some really quite traumatic stuff going on which has used up all my spoons, to say the very least.

    On top of that, I've been forgetting my Cill Shifts (the phone reminders for the last 2 have sounded while I've been visiting my dying relative on the hospital ward, so I've dismissed them and then forgotten by the time I got home).

    So, it felt appropriate to try and plan not just a celebration but something more meaningful, incorporating some sort of offering to or at least acknowledgement of Brigid, by way of 'penance'.

    In this post I'll therefore make a record of my research & planning in part 1, and then write up my 1st March activities in part 2.

    Shout out to Juni over at The Cauldron, who posted the Brighid Resources thread which I've used as a starting place.

***

Part 1 -- research and planning 28/02/2026

    So, this didn't go according to plan right from the start.  I ended up getting a little side-tracked and looking at triple goddesses in general, including Cerridwen and even The Morrigan.
    This is because sometime previously I'd had the name Cerridwen -another triple Goddess- calling to my mind out of nowhere.  And that event came back to me as I began trying to research Brigid, thus leading to the side-tracking.

    However -interestingly- a few common threads did surface.   Creativity/inspiration, renewal/ transformation, and sacred craft.  There's also a fire connection, with Brigid being closely associated with the hearth, and Cerridwen with the cauldron used to brew the Awen.
    As much as we're dismayed by AI these days, Co-pilot did manage to put it a fascinating way:

    If Brigid is the spark that ignites, Cerridwen is the cauldron that transforms. One begins the poem; the other deepens it. One brings the dawn; the other stirs the night.

    Anyways, back to my belated Imbolc for 2026.  Numerous websites talk about tending a flame, obviously.  So that'll definitely form some part of my day, and a nice easy one to accomplish since I already have everything I'll need.  Rather than just lighting a candle, though, I plan to devote more attention to the 'tending' aspect.

    Also, the LearnReligions website has this to say:

    "Take a few moments and meditate on the light of your candles. ... Visualize the light as a warm, enveloping energy that wraps itself around you, healing your ailments, igniting the spark of creativity, and purifying that which is damaged."

    Another common theme is the crafting of a Brigid's cross, and this is something I'd originally thought I might do.  Unfortunately, though, I've left it too late -as always- to source any materials.  Unless I can think of a way to do this via paper-craft.

    One website, PaganGrimoire.com talks about a White Wand tradition:

"This is not as well known as the Brigid’s Cross, but Brigid’s white wand, known as the slatag Bride (little rod) or barrag Bride (birch of Bride), is perhaps Brigid’s most important symbol. It is a small, straight wand made of peeled wood traditionally made from birch, broom, or white willow. It is with this wand and her breath that she reawakens the world as she breathes life into the mouth of dead winter."

    This rather appeals to me.  And as I'll now be -unexpectedly- out & about tomorrow (at an anti-facist protest), I'll be able to try and look out for a suitable twig/branch which can be crafted into a wand (though it's unlikely to be the correct wood, since I don't think the march route will have been planned on the basis of the tree species...)

    I'm aware that Imbolc is associated with milk and dairy, so I will probably treat myself to a drink of watered down milk when I get home tomorrow, to rehydrate.  I'll also likely make a simple offering of some water.

    So, in summary, I'm aiming for:

• Flame-tending, & visualisation exercise
• Papercrafting, possibly (but probably not, honestly -- it's going to be a busy day as it is...)
• Look for & -hopefully- craft a white wand
• A celebratory drink of milk & an offering of water

***

Part 2 -- execution & reflection(s) 01/03/2026

    Well, true to form, the execution deviated from the plan right off the bat, too.  This was because I'd expected not to have the energy to do the entire protest march, but ended up doing the whole thing afterall.  So it used up a much bigger chunk of the afternoon than expected (plus a lot of energy).
    However, given that Brigid is associated with protection I like to think this is actually somewhat fitting, anyway.  Being a part of an anti-fascist protest = doing my bit in the fight for protection of marginalised groups from persecution.  Arguably?

    Although the march route ended up in a park, it didn't go through the park long enough that I could find a twig/branch for a wand.  (The rest of the route had been city streets.)  Plus I was exhausted, so I lingered long enough for one more speaker and then headed home.

    I lit a candle at sunset, and when that one went out I lit another from it (well, I tried to, but accidentally extinguished the first, so I had to fetch a match).  Circumstances [read: row with spouse] meant that I wasn't in the right frame of mind to do the visualisation, either.

    Copilot tells me I can indeed make a Brigid's cross out of paper (and promises to provide me with instructions)  It also gave me the idea to use book pages (a very junk-journal approach) as the paper.  However, by the time dinner was sorted tonight it's gotten late, so I'm going to do that tomorrow instead.  I will try and attempt the flame-tending and visualisation tomorrow, too.

    I put an offering of water in a small glass bowl and placed it on the dining table, next to the table lamp (I do hope Brigid won't mind when one of the cats takes a little drink, because it's guaranteed to happen).

    Recalling Brigid's association with healing, I decided to skip the drink of milk (I've seriously had enough calories this weekend as it is, for various reasons).  Instead, I opted to make an infusion of palo santo, because I feel I could use its healing and soothing right now.

    So, altogether, today hasn't been as much about honouring Brigid as I'd have originally liked.  And it was all very 'thrown-together' last minute, in spite of my original intentions to get with the planning.  But at least I achieved something.

    If I'm successful at fashioning a Brigid's cross tomorrow I'll try and add a photo of it to this post.

    Oh, I just looked up and a cat is drinking some of the offering.  I guess I'll give the rest to the houseplants and refresh the water in the bowl...

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Weathering the storm

Part 1(b)

    In my last post I mentioned that I'm doing an online course on coping with stress, and I talked about resilience.
    My idea for building resilience centers around reclamation.  But first I said it's necessary to weather the storm.

    So I thought it important to write something about weathering the storm, before doing part 2 of this blog proper.

    Full disclosure, I'm right in the middle of a doozy of a storm.  The serious ill-health of a close family member, family drama with other immediate family members, my own chronic ill-health and pre-existing caring responsibility for my spouse. Plus a stressful job in which I was already close to burnout before all this.

    And I can't claim to be an expert at weathering this, honestly.  Some days I feel like the storm is going to force me below the waves.  But, like I said, I felt it important to write about this, because I didn't flesh it out in that last post.

    So, how am I weathering this storm, or trying to at least?

    Support networks are important, and I'm lucky enough to have a good one, with lots of people willing to lend me practical support.  And some willing to listen when I need to let my emotions out.

    Honestly, I haven't felt any shame about reaching out to helplines at times, too.  Here in England we have the Samaritans, among others -- I'll list some at the end.
    If your local support network is in any way limited for whatever reason -be it through mobility issues, isolation, practical considerations like the cost of fuel, or whatever-  do connect with services to get support.  (You don't need to be experiencing suicidal ideation, but if you are it's even more important to please reach out.)

    It might be that your employer has an employee assistance programme -- mine even offers legal advice, as well as in-the-moment telephone support for mental health.  I've used it a lot lately, for both aspects (but mostly the latter).

    Primary health care has been important, too.  Here in England we're lucky enough to have the state funded NHS (it very much has it's flaws, such as underfunding, but it is free at the point of use).  And I've made more use of it during this time of crisis that I have in a long, long time.

    The coach they assigned to keep me on track with the online course recommended self-care.  Her suggestion was a bubble bath, but I'm not a soaking-in-the-tub person.  So I reflected some and decided that my self-care is taking a nap, with a podcast to help me doze off.  I'm so exhausted and depleted, that the extra sleep is a real help, and it just feels refreshing (and indulgent...).
    (Now, I am a chronic insomniac, and opinion's divided on whether napping's a good or bad thing.  But I like it, and I feel I need to get the rest I can't get overnight whenever else I get the opportunity.)

    The online course also mentions that in times of crisis we tend to neglect the very things which can often do us most good, such as healthy nutrition and exercise.
    Now, I'm not very good at this one.  But here's a really low impact idea to incorporate a little movement into almost anyone's everyday routine, if done numerous times a day: Increase Blood Flow Circulation to Legs and Feet (YouTube)

    If it's your thing, relaxation and meditation can help calm the nervous system.  I'm a fan, but I have to be in something of a calm place to begin with to get the benefit.
    When I'm not in that even-vaguely-calm place, there are a few simple little exercises which I like that can help get me there.  Search the following online:  'ear massage for vagus nerve stimulation';  'the physiological sigh';  and 'the butterfly hug'.
    Some of these can be done even in public (or certainly at, say, your desk in the office), without anyone else really knowing.  This includes this one, which I'm a big fan of lately: Sternum pressure point for relaxation.

    As you can see, I'm quite a fan of YouTube, and -again if it's your thing- watching something which gives you a laugh can take the edge off for a bit.  I like cat videos, and sometimes doorbell cams (though I don't really like to see people fall down and get hurt).
    It seems even manufacturing laughter can be helpful for some -- I guess maybe it's a fake-it-till-you-make-it thing, or perhaps it's closer to a bio-feedback type of thing.

    I also like podcasts, and I've a number of wellbeing focused ones in my feed, including one covering 'non sleep deep rest', which is apparently optimal living daily yoga nidra.
    Or perhaps just a bit of distraction might be helpful from a podcast or audiobook with another theme (or just a favourite TV program, but try not to overdo it and spend too much time as a couch potato, if you can help it).

    The natural world, if it's available to you, could also be another route you might chose.  I've talked in other posts about how phytoncides -essential oils from trees, in short- literally strengthen your immune system (search 'forest bathing' online).
    If you don't have a forest or park nearby, some research has shown that even viewing images of trees can calm the nervous system.  If you haven't got photos of holidays in nature you can look back at, maybe just do some web browsing on a daily basis (but do try to avoid too much screen time).

    Moving meditation can be helpful -- mindfulness walks are popular now, but if that's not your thing then perhaps some at home tai chi, via an online tutorial, might be more like it.  Tai chi walking is being touted as a good route to getting fit online lately (but I can't really speak to that as I've not tried it).

    Are any of the above a magic bullet?  No, sorry.  But maybe just think of them as tools in a weathering-the-storm toolbox, and try them out to see what works for you.

    And please see below for that list of resources I promised (past blog posts, podcasts, websites and a few YouTube channels).

Take good care, and hang in there if you're weathering a storm too.

'Resources' -- past blog posts:
~ https://portraitofperpetualperplexity.blogspot.com/2020/06/apps-for-spirituality-and-self-care.html
~ https://portraitofperpetualperplexity.blogspot.com/2020/07/fork-theory.html
~ https://portraitofperpetualperplexity.blogspot.com/2020/07/optimism.html
~ https://portraitofperpetualperplexity.blogspot.com/2020/08/searching-for-cure-all.html
~ https://portraitofperpetualperplexity.blogspot.com/2022/01/alphabet-blogging-and-apps-ii.html
~ https://portraitofperpetualperplexity.blogspot.com/2023/09/research-your-therapy-type.html (this one contains quite a long list of other websites and resources I compiled previously, so I do recommend clicking into it and scrolling to the end)

Resources - podcasts
~ Hypno Wellness, from Cindy Brainerd
~ Neuro Zen, from 'Neuro Zen Institute'
~ White Lotus Reiki, from Chris Brember
~ Get Well With Me, from Adrianne Hart
~ Desert Voices, from Shaleen Kendrick
~ Wellness for the Hot Mess, from Kristen McGrath and Lexi Rodriguez
~ Affirmations for Spiritual Health and Wellbeing, from Affirmations by Christina
~ Self Care is Sexy, from Kris Braylin
~ as mentioned above, Non Sleep Deep Rest, Optimal Living Daily Yoga Nidra
(I use AntennaPod podcast app, it's free on Android)

Resources -- websites (UK):
~ https://www.thecalmzone.net/ (Campaign Against Living Miserably)
~ https://www.mind.org.uk/
~ https://www.nhs.uk/mental-health/
~ https://www.mentalhealth.org.uk/your-mental-health
~ https://www.samaritans.org/
~ https://giveusashout.org/ -- 'Shout' helpline, text 'shout' to 85258
~ We are Rethink Mental Illness
Also, as mentioned above, my past post
https://portraitofperpetualperplexity.blogspot.com/2023/09/research-your-therapy-type.html contains quite a long list of other websites and resources I compiled previously, so I really do recommend clicking into it and scrolling to the end for that list

Resources -- YouTube:
~ www.youtube.com/@jasonstephensonmeditation and www.youtube.com/@TheAwakenedMind
~ https://www.youtube.com/c/SimpleHappyZen
~ www.youtube.com/@TherapyinaNutshell

[See part 2 of this blog in due course for the review of the online course.]

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Resilience vs friction

Part 1

    I'm doing an online course on coping with stress, and there's a section on resilience.

    For the purposes of doing a sort of a review*, the course has this to say about resilience:

    "Resilience is the capacity to face, overcome, and even be strengthened by difficult experiences. It doesn’t mean being immune to stress, sadness or suffering. It is about coping, recovering, and finding a way to grow and develop positively despite the problems we encounter.

    Everyone has some degree of resilience. To recognise this, we only have to think back to all we’ve been through in our lives and remember the times when we felt overwhelmed by the struggle to keep going"

    Speaking as someone who's currently going through a whole heap of suffering, problems and tough times right now, this triggered a different thought in me.

    It made me think of friction, and how this force can erode even the toughest structures over time.

    The related image in my mind was of a staircase.  And how each step descends further and further.  My current experience is that life has been wearing me down -or forcing me down the stairs, several at time- for some while, now.

    I've been trying to resist the effects of friction, or to strive to linger on a half-way step as best I can.  But the effort is both exhausting and pretty futile.

    This may sound pessimistic on the face of it.  But it led on to another, more inspiring train of thought.

    If we want to come back from problems and tough times stronger -or, in other words, to aim for post-traumatic growth- then we need to find a way to counteract the effects of friction.

    We can't realistically expect to stop it.  There's always going to be something in life that pushes us down.  So perhaps the answer is reclamation.

    Weather the storm -by whatever means necessary- and then make plans to rebuild.

    Recognize that erosion -of energy levels, of confidence, even of sense of self perhaps- has taken place -- and that now it's time to invest in yourself.

    'Contract out' if necessary -- in fact I'd suggest that's a sensible approach.  Let friends and loved ones help you with landscaping your new environment.  Or -when ready- seek out some new experiences and make new acquaintances. 

    No-one is an island, but you could draw up plans to become a lovely park.

    Just like climbing a staircase, it's going to take a bit of time and some effort.  And it won't necessarily prevent future erosion.  But there's no sense waiting around in a depleted state for life's next challenge. You don't want to risk that challenge coming before your resilience-o-meter has had chance to refill.

    Doing something constructive could provide just the sense of accomplishment you need.  And what's more it will counteract feelings of helplessness.

    I'm not gong to say reinvent yourself.  But do prioritize yourself.  Take the time to walk in the park -- literally and figuratively.

[*See part 2 of this blog for the review of the course.]

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I really hate to ask for money, but I'm asking

    I created a GoFundMe in hopes of raising some donations to help toward the cost of our rent in the coming months.

    You can find it here: Help Us Stay In Our Home.  If you can't donate (which I totally 100% understand), please could we ask you to share the campaign as widely as possible, in hopes it will l the inbox of someone who can help a little?  Thank you.

    Some additional background to this is recounted below.  Please don't feel obliged to read it if you don't want to, but I wanted to share some more detail in case people wanted to know why we're asking strangers on the internet for help.

    We rent our home from private landlords and historically they've increased the rent at this time of year (right around Christmas) by £50 a month.  This year in December they hiked it by £100/month.

    I work in local government and have barely had a 1% pay increase in many of the past 15 years, ever since the government introduced austerity measures.  Teachers and the police have received more, but my salary has been far behind the cost of inflation all these years.  I have explained this to our landlords, but their verbal response was, and I quote: "We will start eviction proceedings against you, then."

    My spouse hasn't worked in approximately 10 years due to chronic major depressive disorder, anxiety and agoraphobia.  The welfare state deems my salary to be "too high" for my spouse to be entitled to any welfare benefits, so all these years we've been managing on a single income.  (They're also isn't entitled, therefore, to any help towards health costs, like prescription charges.)

    We actually both have chronic ill-health, as I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism some 17 or so years ago (with long-standing generalised anxiety disorder and then secondary depression, too).  However, neither of us can get any disability benefits because we're not deemed "disabled enough" (again, this is due to decades of austerity measures resulting in severe restriction of the eligibility criteria for disability benefits).

    Due to illness in the extended family I latterly have increased travel costs due to additional caring responsibilities, as I'm now needing to spend approximately £200/month extra visiting my elderly parents each week, instead of being able to go monthly just after pay day.  Despite our NHS, there's no healthcare available for ensuring that their medications are administered in a timely and accurate fashion, and they've lost the ability to have oversight of this independently.  Under the rules of the power of attorney which my parents donated a couple of years ago, I'm not allowed to accept any financial help from them for the cost of this travel, despite them selflessly wanting to help (and despite them currently still having the mental capacity to make the offer).

    Because of both my chronic ill-health and increased caring responsibilities, I've no time or energy left in which to get a 2nd job.  Whilst my spouse has begun trying to look for work, they're -as you might imagine-they're finding it difficult to present as a desirable candidate, especially given the competition in the current job market.

    Being able to raise some funds in the short term might not seem like much, but it'll most certainly take much of the added stress out of the situation, and hopefully may even enable us to start saving toward a deposit & 1st month's rent to move to a new place in the next year or so.  I'll probably need to take out a loan to cover the entire deposit and 1st month, but having a bit of breathing room will also allow me time in which to improve my credit score, making it more likely I can get a loan approved (it's not a bad score right now, but it just isn't the best it could be).

    Thank you again if you read the above bit of our story.  My sincere apologies for the mutual awkwardness of needing to ask for money.

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A belated New Year celebration

    Some years ago, after a discussion on The Cauldron, I decided that I'd select Imbolc as my pagan-y New Year.
    (Before that discussion it hadn't ever occurred to me to have a pagan New Year on a separate occasion from the secular one.  I'd heard it mentioned that Samhaim is considered the witchy new year, but that holiday -although one of my favourites- doesn't feel like the start of a new year to me.  So I picked something different)

    I don't always manage to remember, as by that time of the year I'm deep into the daily grind of work (and it's also beginning to transition into our busiest time by the start of February, so I can be heavily distracted by then).
    This year, for instance, we we had a lot of comicons and such at the start of February (and I'm officially a part of the same cosplay group as my spouse now, so that means being 'on duty' with charity fundraising activities all day long -- both a good thing and at the same time something of a nuisance).
    Being busy with both work and events meant that I was too tired to plan a celebration at the beginning of last month.

    So this year I've instead selected the first of March, i.e. today, as a substitute.
    I've decorated, in the form of a string of blue and green lights (they were originally Christmas lights but the yellow and red ones packed up, which makes them perfect for my purposes as blue's my favourite colour and of course green's nicely representative of the coming Spring).
    One year I made a little string of daisies out of craft foam, so I'm going to hunt those out to decorate the living room light fitting (if I can find them...).

    On my pagan holidays I very often do a bit of my day job work (despite it being a Saturday) because it's work which is of benefit to the local community).
    I also aim to do a bit of 'e-volunteering' on the Zooniverse site later, if I leave myself enough time (again, because it's work which is of benefit to wider society).

    I plan to have a bit of a ritually cleansing shower after that.  (This consists of including the four elements, by opening the windows wide for air, lighting a candle for fire, and collecting the first bit of -cold- shower water to give to the house plants for earth.  And of course the shower itself for water.)
    I'll then include a bit more self-care, in the form of all the personal grooming types of tasks I tend to neglect, such as moisturising, maybe painting my nails for the first time this year, and so on.

    Starting the spring cleaning would be an awesomely good move, as my de-cluttering efforts have waned a bit latterly and I need to get back on it.  That's maybe a task for tomorrow, if I have the energy.  Even just some regular cleaning and household tasks would be good (and thereby inevitably ruin those nicely painted fingernails!).

    Not the most exciting of blog posts, but -given that it's been well over a year since I last posted anything at all- at least I can feel a sense of accomplishment for having posted something.

Snowdrops photo by Yoksel 🌿 Zok on Unsplash

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Book review (partial): You Can Heal Your Life, by Louise L. Hay

    Forgive my book review, I'm not used to this so it almost certainly won't take the form of conventional book reviews or ones you might be used to.  These are just my thoughts, probably very clumsily expressed.

    How I came to try this book was because I'm a big fan of The Tapping Solution app (consisting of Emotional Freedom Technique) and the creators incorporated ideas & affirmations from this author.
    So I therefore thought this book might be worth trying out.  I was wrong.

    For me, you see, it comes across as far too Christian.  I've a large degree of Christianity 'baggage' and it makes me very resistant to content which speaks of Christian ideas.
    So phrases such as "I am one with the very Power which created me" (as an affirmation), "The Universal Power Never Judges or Criticizes Us" and "knowing there is only One Intelligence in this Universe" just really put me off.

    I'm also very contrary, so I really resent assertions such as: "we are all 100% responsible for everything in our lives".
    These factors put me in a not-very-receptive frame of mind leafing through the book and starting in on chapter one.

    I even found myself annotating in the margins: "Is this a self help book?"; as the author states that we all have: "foolish, outmoded, negative ideas".
    The point is a valid one, but I felt it wasn't very sympathetically expressed, given that the author is meant to be this fount of compassion.

    The author also made some sweeping claims with no substantiation or evidence, such as: "All Disease Comes From a State of Unforgiveness" and "Resentment that is long held can eat away at the body and become the disease we call cancer" and "Criticism that is long held can often lead to arthritis in the body".
    I'm aware that research does in fact continue to affirm the theory of the mind-body connection, but the author cites none of this in this chapter of the book.
    Anecdotal evidence is still evidence, I guess, but the sample size is likely statistically insignificant - and none of the author's own research (if any were undertaken) is presented, not even as case study, in this first chapter.
    So it had me thinking, where's the evidence for these very specific observations?  There are reading recommendations at the back of the book, but there's no bibliography of sources from an evidentiary perspective.

    "I have found that forgiving and releasing resentment will dissolve even cancer."
    I'm sorry, no, that's potentially harmful advice in my view.

    Then there's the bit about how we all choose our own parents and when/how we get born i.e. we pick our own lives & circumstances.
    You want to tell readers who might have been through some really horrific things that they picked that life at their moment of conception?  No.  Just doesn't mesh with my own beliefs, and provokes irritation in me.
    So I hadn't even finished chapter 1 and I'm so resistant to the ideas being presented in this book.  I felt I had to continue reading, though, in order to write this book review.

    Chapter 2 began with lists of concerns the author's client's had presented to her during her practice.  Four paragraphs of same.  A page and a half, almost.
    For me, for a self-help book, that's too much dwelling on the negative.  I guess it might work for some readers, who maybe need to read through that stuff to identify with why the book could be helpful.

    I couldn't keep reading the book, not even to provide a full book review.  (In fact, I couldn't even gift it to someone or give it away 2nd hand.  I dismantled it to use as junk-journaling fodder.)

    So this isn't really a book review, it's a chapter and a half review.  Sorry.  But I just couldn't keep putting that stuff into my mind.

    In summary, you might get on better with this title than I if, say, you don't mind stuff with a bit of a Christian flavour and which isn't terribly science-backed.  If, say, you'd just like a few affirmations in print (actually, it that's what you want then you might want her other title Trust Life).
    But otherwise, I feel there are likely more helpful titles out there.  For example:  Why has Nobody Told Me This Before? by Dr Julie Smith, for one.

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