This Imbolc, however, I made plans and yet things still didn't go how I wished they would've. I even took a couple of days off work on 'Imbolc-eve' and Imbolc itself to try to make the most of the celebration.
And I did manage to fit in some of the activities I'd planned. But I was still very much only warming up. I then discovered I'd done too much crafting in preceding days. So I'd left myself with too little energy to follow through on the rest of my plans. Instead, I ended up spending much of Imbolc watching YouTube, rather than doing what I'd wanted.
Then I had to return to work on Wednesday. And then a really upsetting social situation was perpetrated upon my husband. So that was it. I was too tired and now I was needed as an emotional crutch. So it appeared Imbolc 2022 was over for me at that point.
In the past this happened one Samhaim (2019 or 2020 I think, but I forget). I'd had a bad day at work and missed my Halloween/Samhaim celebration that evening. So I moved it to the following day
Today, I've had a belated Imbolc observance together with my friend who's eclectic Wiccan. I helped her with some gardening work and tending to potted plants, plus we had a cuppa and a catch up. We even talked witch bottles and sigils for a bit. It's been the first time in quite a while that we've met up with pagan themed activities in mind. So it was nice to have that happen today.
I just can't help but feel that my celebration was somehow tainted though, prior to today. And I know that's kind of silly, for a few reasons. But it's at the back of my brain. I think it's for a combination of factors:
1) I feel that one's 'supposed' to spring clean and then cleanse one's home at Imbolc. But I cannot manage the spring cleaning part. I was going to do just some cleaning, as a sort of symbolic effort, but I barely even managed that. (I think I ran a load of laundry. Which to my mind doesn't even qualify, as it's cleaning of clothing as opposed to cleaning of the home itself.)
2) I feel bad for just 'giving up' and sitting in front of YouTube after realising I didn't have the energy for my plans. (Except that's silly, because that's not what really happened. I couldn't manage my plans. And I therefore just defaulted to watching YouTube in the absence of sufficient energy to get up and do anything else.)
3) I treat Imbolc as my New Year, so in a sense it's a potential time for new year's resolutions for me (as well as/instead of 1 January). But instead of coming up with anything of that sort, my mental and emotional energy is being eaten up by this unpleasant social situation. A situation which was inflicted upon my family unit (targeted at my husband, but when you target my husband you target my family).
4) There's nothing we can do about this social situation. It's something that's happened to us, and that's an end of it. We have no recourse. It's worsened my husband's depression significantly, which has inevitably rubbed off on my mood. (I also tried seeking an opinion from a friend about the situation, hoping they'd at least commiserate with me. But instead they stonewalled me, simply saying "I don't know the other parties' motivations". And then they got annoyed at me for continuing to talk about the situation, leaving me feeling let down on that front too.)
I guess I should be really thankful for my eclectic Wiccan friend, who did commiserate with me (and I am grateful). And I'm thankful for the online friends my husband's gaming with as I write this, because they've been keeping his mind off this other thing. A bit.
I might do a post about the social situation itself, not in the expectation that anyone will read it but just in hopes of processing some of the emotions it's stirred up. I'm feeling dragged down by a depressive sensation, as opposed to feeling celebratory. And even if I can manage to process these emotions (these 'proxy' emotions), I can't do it on behalf of my husband, obviously. I'm not sure what I can do for him.
I know that, in theory, one can choose how to react to a situation. And I don't want to allow these people to live, as they say, in my brain 'rent-free'. But more than anything right now, I wish I could evict them from my husband's. With a great deal of prejudice.
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