My husband, bless him, is an easy target. He's a nice and sensitive guy, who wouldn't purposefully cause any hurt to anyone. He's very thin-skinned. This apparently makes him low hanging fruit when other people -for whatever twisted reasons of their own- decide that they want to lash out at someone. I keep telling him it doesn't make him a bad person, it makes the perpetrators bad people. But that's cold comfort when it keeps happening to you over and over. From the one long-time supposed friend who suddenly dropped us when we no longer owned a car so could no longer be their taxi. To the one who cheated on their spouse and is too ashamed to be our friend any longer because we happen to know their secret. I can only surmise it's a case of 'nice guys finish last', here.
This most recent incident is causing unhealthy levels of rumination in us both. We don't need it, nor did we deserve it. But we're still the ones suffering from it. (I guess I'm beginning to come to terms, as I already wrote the one blog post; oh and it wasn't perpetrated directly against me. But when my husband's depression is severe, that also impacts me day-to-day.)
I really don't expect anyone to read this post, but I hope that in writing it I can get some more of the emotions out of my system.
The backstory is this:
My husband is part of a LARP group. There is a Discord server for the group. During Covid there have been limited LARP events so there was a regular weekly social, originally on Saturday evenings (later moved to late Saturday night, starting 11pm and going on until 4am - all because one of the members couldn't make it until they finished work at 11pm).
Now that events are to start happening again, the group wanted to convene a meeting to start planning. The '2nd in command' of the group put a poll on Discord saying: we're planning to meet 5pm Sundays. Out of at least 20 members 9 voted yes to 5pm, 2 voted no and the remaining 9 or so did not respond at all.
My husband pointed out that they'd picked the one time during the entire week that he couldn't make it. He could literally make it any other time throughout the entire week. He felt like complaining more strenuously than that, but I talked him out of it.
The next meeting was also convened for Sunday 5pm. There have not been any other days/times suggested or put up for the vote. So this time my husband messaged the meeting organiser, who happened to have been a pre-existing long-time local friend (supposedly), to say he was feeling excluded because of the timing of the event.
The guy's excuse was that there was a majority vote for Sundays at 5pm, therefore it was necessary to go with the majority. And I'd known that'd be his response. And in a sense he's got a point.
My husband just pointed out again that it was the one day/time he's got a previous commitment. He heard nothing back from the so-called friend at that point, he was just ignored.
Then, the "group leader" posted this in the public forum of the Discord server:
So, our supposed sh*tty friend -instead of picking up the phone on Messenger- effectively told tales to teacher. Are you kidding me?
And the sh*tty 'teacher', instead of getting my husband's side of the story, posted a way over-the-top diatribe, claiming to be inclusive but at the same time naming & shaming and putting the nail in the coffin of my husband's enthusiasm for being part of this group. And mine.
I have a number of issues with this whole escapade, as follows:
1) The former-friend selected the 5pm Sunday time and offered it up in the yes/no poll rather than a selection of days/times. Probably anytime from about Saturday 10:30am through to Sunday 7:30pm would've been fine for the majority. And this so-called friend knew about my husband's prior committment (okay, he may not have remembered - but my husband reminded him). So I can see where my husband feels as though that time had been picked without considering him, at best, or to exclude him, at worst.
2) Those 9 people who voted yes to the meeting, would probably have been quite likely to vote yes to some other time over the weekend as well. People are basically lazy, and will therefore often go with the flow for an easy life. What of the 9 people who didn't vote at all? It's quite likely that at least some of them didn't vote because that time didn't suit them either.
3) The following week, the ex-friend did the same thing, they put up a post reading: we're aiming for Sunday 5pm again. Had they made it 3pm, my husband could've made it. Had they made it 7:30pm, my husband could've made it. So, again, you can see where my husband felt excluded. Now, I get it, routine can sometimes be key to getting participation so I see why they may've wanted the same time. But they didn't take the trouble to explain that to my husband. Well, they never had the opportunity because neither of them could be f-ing arsed to pick up the phone to my husband.
4) My husband was aware that the former friend was the one organising the meeting, and that the ex-friend knew of my husband's prior commitment (certainly after being reminded). When my husband messaged this person, he'd thought he was having a minor moan at a pre-existing mate about an annoyance. Not challenging the authority of the North Korean state or something!
5) My husband used 'I' statements, such as "I feel I'm being left out". What kind of Chinese whispers caused that to become an f-ing accusation? Not even an allegation, but a downright accusation! Somebody can't read properly, I'm surmising.
6) Nowhere in the group 'literature' (a few different Discord channel titles within the main channel, none of which have any pinned posts or anything resembling 'rules') nowhere does it specify that any moderation will be done in public. Okay they probably hadn't actually thought ahead what they'd do if any moderation type situations did crop up. Does that make it fair for my husband to be named and shamed the 1st time it came up? Not in my opinion. In my opinion, this wasn't even a moderation type situation. I'll come onto that later.
7) How is making an I statement revealing a feeling of being left out, how is that rude? Wouldn't it have been far ruder to keep quiet on the subject and then go around bitching to our other friends? When did it become not okay to raise a grievance with a mate? Okay, possibly my husband should've picked up the phone in the 1st instance, but he's not good with confrontation and he's really low in self-esteem so that'd be something that'd be really hard for him to do.
8) And this is a big one: they HAVE in the past DISCUSSED THINGS BEHIND MY HUSBAND'S BACK. AND made decisions affecting him that he would NEVER have agreed to (because they were severe anxiety triggers for him). AND THEN F-ING GASLIGHTED HIM, TELLING HIM HE DID AGREE TO THESE THINGS!!
9) Again, there was no rule stating that any grievances about any matters have to be raised publicly. The meeting organiser was a so called mate, prior to this, and was the one arguably at fault (at least in my husband's opinion). So my husband brought the matter to their attention.
10) The Saturday chats are also a sore point, so using them as ammunition is doing nothing to assuage my anger. The Saturday chats were moved to an 11pm slot TO CATER TO 1 INDIVIDUAL. That individual no longer attends, but instead of moving back to 7:30pm they carried on with 11pm. This excludes me from attending, and means my husband is only able to attend for perhaps a 1/2 hour to an hour. And when he does attend, he's too polite to butt in to the conversation so he never gets to get a word in edgewise. Mostly when he does try to speak, other folk talk over him (this also happens to him in person, as he's very softly spoken so he is constantly getting talked over (even by me)).
11) "I am sorry that somehow catering for the needs of other group members has caused you so much personal stress and hurt..." ...yeah, that's not a snarky remark at all is it. In your open letter that you've made out is somehow intended to put to bed any recent animosity.
"we will not fail in trying to be as inclusive as possible to as many members as possible..." ...except those who raise feelings of not being included, and those individual* we will instead publicly name & shame, making them feel as small as possible.
(*this is not a typo)
12) "It will be up to each of us to check said thread. Any hint that anything is not listed needs to be challenged at the time." Wow, your crystal ball must be f-ing awesome mate - I'm afraid I returned mine to the shop because it wasn't providing me with that level of clairvoyance!
"Going back after several months will not work" think you made a typo there, mate, it was a couple of weeks not months. Your amazing crystal ball doesn't also do proof-reading, then?
Yes, I'm being sarcastic. If you can exaggerate, you tosser, then I can be sarcastic about it.
Also, if you'd bothered to pick up the phone (or set up a time on Discord) to get my husband's side of the story you might've been able to get your facts straight, here.
13) OMG, you're butthurt?! Oh sh*t I'm SO f-ing sorry that YOU'RE butthurt. We must be the nastiest human beings on the planet to have butthurt your butt's feelings. You should get a time machine and go back in history and prevent us from being born!
Yes, now I'm being rancourous. If you can allegedly be butthurt, I can be bloody rancourous. Because I think you need to get a thicker skin there.
14) Had either one of these guys picked up the phone to get my husband's side of the story, he'd have felt included again and he'd have been fine with their explanations regards meeting logistics etc. <Sigh>.
I just wish I could say all of the above to your insensitive, unfeeling faces. Or in your Discord channel. But I know it'd only escalate things so I'm posting this here where you'll never see it instead. (There. I said it.)
PS in the interests of not putting out 100% negativity, compare the above to the one friend of ours who we've only known for just over a couple of years but who goes out of their way to ensure that my husband can get lifts to cosplay events etc. Even when said friend has come down ill and is no longer intending to attend the event themselves. They didn't let my husband down but still came to ferry him -unasked- so my husband could still attend. For that friend, I am truly thankful.
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