Gratitude practice - my issues with it, and my alternative: 'little joys' practice

    I’ll bet you’re familiar with the suggestion to keep a gratitude journal.  Or to list 3 things you’re grateful for each day.

    I keep seeing it recommended here and there, still.

    I tried it for several weeks, maybe it was even as much as couple of months (I can’t recall).  I really did try to persevere with it.

    And for me it just didn’t have the desired effect.  Far from being helpful, it was actually potentially harmful.

    The issue I’ve got with it was that I was ‘scratching’ around for things to list.

    So it made me feel that I didn’t have things to be grateful for.

    I do, of course.  But I felt a bit ridiculous writing down things like “Grateful I’ve got a roof over my head”.  Or “I’ve got a significant other”.

    And I felt some weird pressure not to repeat things.  So having written “grateful for my cats” one day, I felt I couldn’t repeat that same thing on another day.  Or I’d be writing the same thing each day for weeks, and what’d be the point in that?

    Also, my brain would do a thing where it’d ‘poke holes’ in its own suggestions for things to write.

    So, while I am indeed grateful I’ve got a roof over my head, another bit of my brain would throw up this sort of thing:  yeah, but it’s filled with mould and other issues & the rent is nevertheless exorbitant!

    Therefore it felt as though I wasn’t doing gratitude practice ‘properly’.  Or that this poking holes business was detracting, potentially making the entire thing more detrimental than helpful.  It was focusing my mind on the negative, rather than the positive.  The exact opposite of what it’s meant to do, I believe?

    And it wasn't that I was going through an especially difficult time when I tried this.  Nor do I feel that it’s because I’m an entirely negative person, or something.  (This is possibly an entire separate post in its own right.)  I can be ‘glass half empty’, definitely; but I can also be ‘glass half full’.

    Having to wrack my brains for something from earlier that day for which to be grateful?  It was uncomfortable, unpleasant even.  And it didn’t seem to be getting any easier as time went on.  It wasn’t a case of practice makes perfect.  Not for me.  In fact, the pressure not to repeat stuff was making it harder as time went on.

    So for me it felt right to stop.

    I’m sure it works for some folk, and is helpful.  And perhaps there’s even a different way of approaching this which might work better for me.  (Recording things as they happen or occur to me might work, if I could do it that way.  Sitting in front of a blank journal page at the end of the day and struggling to write on it does not.)

    I've said this before about goals, and I'll say it again now.  I'm not ashamed of quitting, nor feel it's a failure.  I believe it's that all our minds work differently.  And if I feel something is a chore, without anything constructive to offer me, it makes sense to stop it.  (Sadly, I do have to keep cleaning our home, so I guess I'll focus my energy there instead!)

A minor point to finish on, and a possible alternative to gratitude practice for me (and maybe for you).  This YouTuber, Hannah May, brought it to my attention in one of her series of 'resident sicko' videos (her term, not mine).  I think she calls it 'joy of the day' (timestamp: 21:20).

    I feel joy of the day is something I could really pick up and run with.  It's likely that a little something will catch my attention in a day, and strike me as a little joy.  (I don't necessarily have someone I'll message them to right now like Hannah does, but that doesn't have to deter me from mentally noting these moments.)

All photos from Unsplash

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Fun?

    I was trying to think of a post to write for the letter F.  And the word fun came into my mind.

    As in, what do I do for fun?  And (I don't want to be a moany bitch, but...) I couldn't help thinking about how my chronic ill-health means I don't have the energy or time for much fun in my life.  Just work and housework, it seems like.

    I'm still (yes, STILL!) grieving my former physical good health and the activities I used to be able to do.  (The volunteering, the art exhibitions, the evening classes.  The tai chi, the running, the active social life.  The taking pride in doing my nails every weekend.  And just simply: the being able to get about by myself on the train/bus.)

    And then there's our ableist society which I recently experienced the crappiness of first hand, which was no f'ing fun AT ALL.  But that's a separate post.  (Actually, if you include the medical gaslighting then I've been experiencing this crappiness for about a dozen years or so already, but anyways.)

    Besides, this doesn't mean that I have no pleasure whatsoever.  So thank you if you've read this blog up to this point.  And now, I'll be writing about my leisure activities below.  If nothing else, it'll remind me that I do still have enjoyable things in my life.

Crafting 🧹
    My latest project was a life size besom to hang as a Halloween decoration!  I was so pleased with it -- you could actually use it to sweep a floor!  (Okay, not for long as the bristles are corrugated card, so they'd wear away pretty swiftly.  But technically you could do it!)

Junk journal making

    I've put this in as a separate entry from general crafting, because it's been my latest addiction really.
    One of the really fun parts is coming up with creative ways in which to use the junk to create an appealing journal.  (I'm still very much a beginner, but as I write this I have 2 almost completed journals.)

Live-action role-playing and cosplay
    These (and the swimming) are the last few physically active pastimes that I have, because I've refused to give up the LARP.  I'm clinging onto it, and making adjustments so that I can still keep doing it.    

    (The local LARP system I play at, there's at least one other member who has fybro so the game's now done in such a way that we 2 can bring a folding chair and be seated for much of the event.  It's run by a close friend, so this has been possible without too much embarrassment.  Plus, he -or one of the other members- picks me up from home for the events.  I like it when he brings me, as we very often get a latte on the way, or even a McMuffin.)
    (I'm still wondering about how I can have similar adjustments if I become a member of a cosplay group.  (Work in progress.))

Reading (or, podcasts and audiobooks these days)

    I think I've done previous posts about how Sir Terry Pratchett's Discworld series is my comfort read.  I can't generally concentrate or be seated long enough to read much else (with the other exception being Stephen King).  So, I definitely don't read as much as I used to, regrettably.
    I do find podcasts and audiobooks a must have, now.  They're great for something to entertain me while doing chores.  Or if I have to walk somewhere.  Plus I can often learn a little something something while getting stuff done.  (And almost daily these are the only help for my insomnia, too.  The spoken word is the sole thing that seems to help!)

Sitting in the sun or at least somewhere where there's trees

    Might seem like an odd thing to put on this list, but this activity is the single best one for calming my nervous system if it's somewhere quiet.  Besides, I just really enjoy it, especially if it's somewhere in or

close to nature. 

Swimming

    My swimming buddy picks me up from home, usually on a Wednesday evening, and we try & do up to 20 lengths.  Before the pandemic I'd say we used to manage 3 out of every 4 weeks on average.
    Since Covid we've been struggling to get back into it a bit and it's been much more sporadic, but I really do love a swim so I hope we can get back into it.  (I love it even better when he & his wife pick me up for an ocean swim during a summer heatwave, but that's rare.)

TV and films (especially horror) 📽
    My favourite TV show is The Walking Dead and some of my favourite movies are The Skeleton Key, Jennifer's Body and Scary Stories to Tell In The Dark.
    I also enjoy watching The Handmaid's Tale and also things like Dual Survival.  (There's more, but I can't call them to mind right now).  And I wished they hadn't cancelled series such as Constantine and Midnight Texas.

Video games

    Occasionally, I can still find the time at weekends -or when I'm on annual leave form work- to play a video game.  My spouse would love it if we still played MMOs together, but it's rare.  I never did finish playing through the story of Diablo III and that came out back in 2012.  (Which -I realise as I write this- is 10 YEARS AGO!)  Latterly, I've been loving Baldur's Gate III though.  Recommend to fans of the genre.

YouTube
    I've got to be honest and put this on the list.  It's a bit of a guilty pleasure, because it's so easy to go down a Yabbit hole and waste away too much time.
    But over the past couple of years or so it's saved me an awful lot of scratching around for something on TiVo to watch.  And occasionally the algorithm will offer up something new and interesting besides my existing subscriptions.

    To add to the above list, some other rare pleasures are:

Afternoons out where there's trees &/or water (or a stone circle, or a ruined castle)

    These days I can only manage this if one of our friends or a family member brings me in their car.  But it's one of my favourite things to do, especially on a summer day.

Occasional cinema and very occasional theatre trips
    I say theatre, but what I mostly like to see is stand up comedians, when I can afford it.  My most recent cinema viewing was to see Smile (not as good as I'd hoped) and my most recent theatre trip was to see Derren Brown's Showman, as I'm a fan of his.

    My spouse says I really ought to add "being a crazy cat mama" to the above list because, he says, I am one.  And I do admit, I love my pusses to bits & I'll gladly talk to any friendly feline anywhere!  So there you go!  😸😹

All photos from Unsplash, unless otherwise specified in the image title (hover over, on a PC)

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Some issues with YouTube

    YouTube is a quick, convenient place to access content of all sorts.  It's available on my TV (which is otherwise not a smart TV), on my laptop and on my Android phone.

    Lately I've been consuming a lot of true crime content, and YouTube is a quicker place to access it than taking the extra few minutes to get to Google podcasts.  (I know, I'm totally revealing my laziness here!  It's for a good cause, though.)

    True crime content creators have been having a hell of a time of it on YouTube, lately, because their 'community guidelines' seem just slightly off the mark.  Or, how they are applying the 'guidelines', perhaps.

    The majority of these creators have been commenting that they've been flagged, demonetised and had content removed (or age restricted) recently.

    A lot are considering ditching YouTube altogether and finding an alternative platform.  I wouldn't blame them (although if they all go to Patreon I'll have to stick to my Google podcasts, only).

    Those creators who are currently persevering are having to use all sorts of code words to talk about the cases they're covering.  Or otherwise censor themselves (literally bleeping out certain words, even when including clips from news reports which were originally broadcast on the TV).  Numerous have also mentioned their notifications being turned off (by YouTube it appears, not their subscribers) and even one says he has had many subscribers unsubscribed (again, not by the subscriber themselves).

    And I get it, in one regard.  YouTube can't be seen to be promoting violence, for instance.

    But many of these content creators are providing a form of educational content.  Their research is sound, being derived from court affidavits and such.  They're by no means promoting violence, or crime, or any such thing.  They are in fact trying to promote awareness, encouraging the public to contact authorities if they've any information about recent unsolved cases.

    So certainly, flag and clamp down on hate speech, or content which is actively promoting violence against others or whatever.  It's my belief that that stuff would be easy to distinguish, if they bothered to devote appropriate resources.  (E.g. employing some humans, instead of dumping most of the 'responsibility' with an AI.)

    I believe there's very likely a big difference between e.g. an incel's or a neo-nazi's manifesto video, and someone respectfully recounting a missing person or murder case.  (I don't go and watch these incels etc, but some of these very true crime content creators have covered some of their cases and included clips.  They make me utterly sick, by the way!)

    And where does YouTube get off turning off notifications and 'managing' peoples subscriptions, if that really is what's happening?!  I choose what I want to consume.  Not You(Tube).

    Because then on the other hand YouTube's quite content to promote content which is actively dangerous for regular folks as though it's no big deal!  Like encouraging people, via their Facebook page, to give themselves food poisoning &/or burn their kitchen down!  (See the first 1/2 of this video: Debunking DEADLIEST craft hack, 34 dead | H2CT Ann Reardon)

    And if you've still not seen the ridiculousness of this yet, consider this:  a true crime content creator covering a missing child case cannot even include a partially blurred photo of the missing child in their coverage!

    Get some more real human personnel, YouTube, and learn to censor only where censorship is really warranted.

All photos from Unsplash, unless otherwise specified in the image title (hover over, on a PC)

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Living with Covid

  I'm listening to the back catalogue of some podcasts, and one of them I'm up to just over two years ago.  You know, back when the pestilence first hit.

    They were talking about social distancing in the last episode I heard.  And about how some events were starting to be cancelled.  And in the one I'm listening to as I write this, they're talking about how they're having to postpone their live shows they'd scheduled.  They were saying how they hoped it was only April's shows which would have to be cancelled, and hopefully 'corona' would be done with by May.  How hopeful, and yet naïve, were those days!

    This particular podcast is made by two American ladies.  They made a PSA about how criminals were reported to be showing up to peoples' homes wearing hazmat suits, insisting they be allowed in and then robbing the place.  It was apparently just a rumour, not real crimes, but I can imagine how scary even that notion would've been, on top of everything else.  (We just had muggings -allegedly- over toilet rolls over here, which was bad enough!)

    Now, we're resigned -apparently- to living with Covid (it's literally the government's 'strapline').  It still feels weird walking into a premises without wearing a mask.  I'd been so used to it for so long.  (I still choose to wear a mask a lot of the time, but these days I do sometimes forget it and then have to go without.)

    Also, I still get that moment of borderline panic whenever someone coughs in my presence.  It makes me want to leap away from where they're standing, possibly making some gesture to ward off the evil eye or something!  (This isn't altogether new, I've had some extremely nasty colds in the past, and possibly the flu.  So I'm really not keen on these sorts of viruses, as you can imagine!)  And this happens a lot on trains.  Something about boarding a train makes peoples' hygiene go out the window, apparently.

    I don't really understand how the government believes they're able to monitor the situation and whether to reintroduce control measures.  Nobody's routinely testing any more (unless of course they work in health and social care).  The cynic in me says they've NO intention of monitoring (unless hospital admissions begin to skyrocket, again).  They're more concerned about stirring up activity within the economy, now.  This is why they want us all back to working in offices, again.

    I get that the economy is important.  But I just don't see why they need to dictate that we should be back working in offices, when working from home contributes SO much more to work-life balance for an awful lot of people.  And, I believe it was the lockdowns and temporary business closures which likely did the damage to the economy, not working from home.  True, I'm not buying train tickets anywhere near as often, but I'm definitely still spending money in my local shops (in fact more so than when I was commuting to the office, as I've got the energy to walk to the shops lunchtime/at the weekend) and I'm sure others are, too.

    My family and I have managed to avoid getting the virus, as I write.  I'm desperately hoping it stays that way, because I don't need long Covid on top of existing chronic ill-health.  A colleague has wound up in that position, and to say they're struggling is really only barely covering it.  Plus, I've had less than half the number of cold viruses on average per year over the 2 years of the pandemic, compared with when I was commuting by train and stuffed into a crowded office with too many other staff. 

    My family and I are all triple vaccinated (and will take up any further boosters which might be offered).  But, as we've learned, that doesn't necessarily prevent infection altogether.

    So, here's to annual Covid booster shots, in my view, please.  And, to continuing hand hygiene, etc etc PLEASE.  Thank you.

Photos: all photos from Unsplash, unless otherwise specified - eyes graffiti photo by Nick Fewings (apologies, credit was given for the majority of these in previous blog posts but I no longer have the relevant info to hand).  Let me know in the comments if any of the photos is your work, and I'll work with you to add the credit in this post.

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Environmentalism - what it means to me AND how it relates to my spirituality

 

    For the longest time, environmental activism was my only spirituality.  Or rather, it was there in place of a 'proper' spirituality.  I suspect this is going to be difficult for me to articulate well, so please bear with me.  I'll do my best.

    

    It was at quite a young age that I developed an affinity with nature.  And not long after that I formed the notion (picked up from somewhere I've no hope of pin-pointing now), the notion that the environment is threatened.  In need -very much in need- of protection.

    Some time later these notions/interests melded somewhat -over time- and became a very vague nature-based spirituality.  But I've never felt the presence of deity, so I don't have a pantheon which I revere.  I therefore didn't think of it as anything like religion.  (And I still don't.)

    Part of me would've liked it to be more like a religion for me.  I kind of wanted to incorporate ritual and other specific practices I'd heard about.  But while I felt that nature was worthy of reverence, it didn't make sense to me to 'worship'.  Trying for those rituals and practices didn't feel right to me.

    So instead I sufficed with nature conservation and other environmentally focused activities.  Striving to do whatever I could to protect nature was the best I could contrive to do.

    (Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to claim I'm one of those Greenpeace members who climb the oil rigs and get locked up for it.  I also have a day job which I can't afford to risk losing by getting myself any sort of criminal record.)

    I just do what I can.  I sometimes use the term 'slacktivism', so as not misrepresent the extend of my activities.  It mostly consists of:

- signing (and social-media sharing) petitions etc;

- writing my MP wherever appropriate;

- such things as having an environmentalism related profile picture on social media etc;

- being the energy-saving champion in my workplace (and encouraging things like recycling at the same time);

- litter picking locally, and as conspicuously as possible (of course recycling whatever I can of the items collected);

- supporting the school strikes whenever they occur locally (attending whenever my annual leave allowance permits);

- attending Extinction Rebellion and Greenpeace protests whenever I can (especially if they're local) - I can't often participate in the action, but I'll try to make up the numbers;

- raising funds for e.g. Cool Earth Action via Amazon Smile, and donating money to environmental charities when I can;

- using Ecosia as my search engine, both at home and at work.

That sort of thing.

    I've written elsewhere about my journey of exploring Druidry, which is obviously a pretty nature-focused spirituality/religion.  A short version, therefore, is as follows:  I was initially put off, because when reading about OBOD, ADF etc it seemed to me there was quite an emphasis on gods and goddesses.  Latterly, I've come to refer to myself as 'druidish', or following a 'druidy' path.  I'm slowly (glacially!) doing the New Order of Druids Bardic course.  Because although I still don't feel as though theism is part of my paganism, I don't see that it should stop me from learning about all the other aspects.  'Druidy' or 'druidish', to me, represents that Druidry is the closest fit I've found, despite not being an absolute perfect fit.

    I'm relatively happy with the current balance between my environmentalism and my spirituality.  Certainly it's a good balance for fitting in with my other obligations etc.

    I'd love to grow more, especially trees.  And provide homes for wildlife.  But I don't have a garden or access to somewhere where trees could be planted.

    Sometimes I still also crave more on the spiritual side, too.  So I'm still seeking -like an eclectic little magpie- ideas and bits of other practices I can adapt & incorporate into my own.

https://fridaysforfuture.org/

https://extinctionrebellion.uk/

https://www.greenpeace.org.uk/

https://www.coolearth.org/

https://www.ecosia.org/

https://www.woodlandtrust.org.uk/
https://www.wildlifetrusts.org/

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'Drama' - some memories of an anxious child

    I was fortunate growing up, as I had a nigh on idyllic childhood in a small town which was, at the time, pretty countryfied.  My folks, though from working class stock, worked hard and managed to give us a middle class upbringing.  We couldn't afford fancy stuff, but we never really had to go without either.  And we were well looked after, never neglected.

    Despite all this, I managed to come up with a certain amount of 'drama' to be anxious about.

    At around eight years of age I recall hearing something on the news about missiles.  And I ran upstairs and glued myself to my bedroom window, wondering whether I'd see the missiles in the sky before they hit.

    I recall hearing some statistic quoted somewhere about the average number of heartbeats which we have as human beings in our lifetimes.  And I used to lay awake on those nights when, for whatever reason, my own heartbeat was particularly audible to me.  And I'd worry about my heartbeats being 'used up' too rapidly.  I used to try to slow my own heartbeat, so I wouldn't die off so soon (with some degree of success, I might add.  And I'm now aware of 'biofeedback', so I could usefully revisit this technique, actually.)

    Once at home we had a power cut.  I'd been upstairs in my room, doing whatever, and was suddenly plunged into darkness.  I emerged onto the landing to call out to my folks to find out what was going on.  And my Dad, who's probably a somewhat anxious man in hindsight, shouted out for me to stay where I was.  That was it, I went from merely puzzled to utterly convinced we were the target of a home invasion!  Clearly there were dangerous men in the darkness and we were all in mortal peril!  I started screaming.  My Dad had almost certainly only wanted to keep me safe from falling down the stairs.

    I'll feel forever remorseful about the time my brother arrived home and I initially thought he'd been beaten up, then when I realised he'd 'just' been pelted with something I simply lost interest and went about my business.  But it was because I'd been SO scared that I thought he was badly injured, initially.  I can remember my blood running SO cold.  Then in contrast, when I realised he was physically unharmed, it was such a huge relief for me.  It took me years and years to realise that the harm he did in fact suffer that day was -for him- probably incredibly significant.

    Evidently, although anxious, I wasn't a very empathetic child.  I can't take it back, now, though.  More's the pity.

    That's it, for this post.  Just some recollections.

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